You once told me that losing someone would eventually get easier if I allowed myself to let go and move on.
And you were right then.
But I don’t think you understood the difficulties of losing the person you cared about most in this world, because it isn’t any easier than the day I lost you. In fact I think it’s been harder learning to live without you as time goes on.
Years ago I was able to forgive the world for taking my best friend. But it’s proven to be harder to forgive the world for taking my mother. The funny thing is that you weren’t the type to coddle me or show me affection through kind words or touch. And you almost always told me the hard truth (even when I didn’t want to hear it).
The special thing about you was knowing how much I was loved through your actions. Something most people don’t get to experience I think. I was constantly reminded of how much you loved me through the way you did things for me. Exhausting yourself to make sure that Bub and myself had everything we wanted.
I think that’s why it’s been so hard letting go. Letting go of someone who loved me more than anyone in this world could. You loved me in such a way that I can never forget.
I’m afraid I’ll forget you. That five years down the road I won’t remember the way you laughed or the way you used to look at me when I’d say something to purposely annoy you. I’m afraid I’ll forget who you were and all the small things that made you, you. Like how you were a mother to not only Bub and myself, but to every friend I ever had or straggler who needed someone to care for them. At the time I’d get upset because you were my mother and not theirs, but I get it now. That’s who you were. You had such a big heart that needed to love everyone.
The funny thing is that if you could see me now you’d tell me to stop crying and get over myself. That I knew you loved me more than anything and that life isn’t fair. I know exactly what you’d say and how you’d say it. I just wish you were here to do it yourself.
The hardest part of all is moving on with my life. I don’t want to leave you behind as I move on. But I’m graduating in a few weeks and I’m having to do all the things for it that you’d do. I’m moving to Phoenix and I don’t have the help I wish I had because you’re not here. I’ve been deprived of having a mother’s guidance through life because of an evil sickness. And I don’t think that’s something that I can ever get over.
I know I’ll be okay because as everyone else reminds me, I am my mother’s daughter. And that’s the best and worst thing a person could tell me. I’ve turned into someone I adored more than anything in the world and I can honestly say I’m fine with being you. You would tell me to “just wait”. That I was going to become you and I swore I never would. But here I am, years later looking and acting just like you. So thank you for that. Thank you for molding me into being you. A kind, strong, caring, sassy, and understanding woman who loves her life and values the importance of kindness.
Life’s a process and you prepared me for it. There was so much more I needed form you, but I appreciate the knowledge that you gave me when you could.
I love and miss you dearly.